Sunday Scribblings

# 79 - Powerful


When in my life did I feel the most powerful?

I guess this means that I will have to write about me. sigh.. As long as you understand that it is only my opinion about myself, not a reliable source being that I am only a big act and a show. What do you mean by power? My definition of power has shifted throughout my life. I remember a very young curly headed boy running through the fields of the family farm. Life was close to idylic then. Two crossed sticks nailed together became a fighter jet. Two pieces of wood a tractor or a tank. A sandy dugout hill turned into a mountain and a scrub of birch trees with a small brook was the hunting ground of Hawkeye and companion Chingachook. Everything was possible; Soldier, Sailor, Indian Chief... I was the player of all the parts. It was an extremely powerful time in my life but what does a small boy know of power.

Childhood make believe was replaced by games and sports. Competition, where athletic ability became the measure of power. It was the currency that decided who would be captains, who would pick the teams. Please God don't let me be picked last or even worse the consulation man because there was an odd number. "You can have ?????",They would say. I had fair athletic ability so was always picked near the end but never last. Good hands but turtle slow, and
I was a runt
On picture days
I sat up front
of giggling girls
with smelly feet.
Not a very powerful period in my life I would say, but enjoyable. Lots of mates and bags of fun.

Enter Sex stage right! Well not sex really but the ability to attract the female gender. ( giggling became less irritating more appealing but only to young lads who had that loving feeling) How did I fare you Ask?
Not very well I'm ashamed to admit. The girls I was attracted to, weren't attracted to me and when they were, they would eventually leave me for older boys. I had my moments but silly, silly me I based my whole self worth on what they thought of me.
Young girls could be flighty then. He looks like Elvis...love me tender. He has a car .... a real big spender. He's a wounded angel.... I can heal him!!!
Girls were so Shallow!!
NO DON"T STOP READING!!! That's probably how I felt then. I realize that I was the shallow one. I was like a crow, too attracted to shiny objects. I was going to say knobs but I thought that I had better keep it serious, then I thought, what the hell it's my story, knobs it is.
There were probably many girls that would have made the whole teenage years much more rewarding but like I said I was looking at the knobs.

Then came Love,
Then came Marriage,
The came wifey with a baby carriage.
There was no power in these years. Let me put a number to it, 25 to 55, a period of blood sweat and fear. Keeping wolfy from the door. Don't get me wrong, they were the best years of my life. I helped raise four children, no manual given and I certainly didn't have the best role model to follow.(another story) It's like being on a rollercoaster ride that won't stop and sometimes you wish it would so you could get off but it doesn't and the ride is exciting one minute and fearful the next but it just keeps going up and down, around the bend,good God please make it end. They weren't powerful years but they made me what I am today. I learned the meaning of unconditional love

That leaves the last eight or so years, are they the most powerful? Most definately. I have conquered my fear of living and subsequently dieing. Something inside me has shifted and I got in my mind that I am no longer seperate from but a part of everything in the Universe. I will not go into my beliefs because we each carry with us what we need to believe to survive. I will only say that I try to live in the present moment and each heartbeat and each breath brings a new experience. How can I be threatened if I believe that sadness and joy, doubt and hope, darkness and light, are just emotions that pass through me forever as I travel down a path between Ignorance and Bliss. There is only one constant and that is LOVE. NAMASTE